Urine-alysis of the SMS bathrooms

By Kate Shanaman

Photos courtesy of Kate Shanaman

St. Mary’s bathrooms are important places. They provide refuge, comfort, and a place to momentarily escape from a particularly bad test. But which one of these bathrooms is the best? Yes, they all have their merits, but I wanted to know which one combines cleanliness, functionality, emptiness, and overall vibes to create the superior bathroom.

I have ranked and rated each St. Mary’s bathroom in the Upper School buildings (excluding the AWC because those bathrooms are impeccable). 

8. Faculty Bathroom in Math/Science hallway
Vibes: 0/10
Cleanliness: 6/10
Functionality: 4/10
Emptiness: 2/10
Overall Score: 3/10
Review: Mrs. Herr is not a supporter of the faculty bathroom. She says, “If you are just so unfortunate enough not to lock the door, the entire school walking down the hallway can see what is going on in there… It’s just a terrible placement. I’m very happy the lockers aren’t around anymore.” When asked if opening the door into a student upon exit is a concern, Mrs. Herr said, “No, that would be the student’s fault.” Since most faculty use this bathroom, it is necessary, but certainly not up to par.

7. Bathroom near Ms. Loden’s Room
Vibes: 1/10
Cleanliness: 7/10
Functionality: 1/10
Emptiness: 6/10
Overall Score: 3/10
Review: I am not a fan of this bathroom. The layout is odd, the sink to toilet ratio is off, and I find it far too dark. In addition to these massive vibe issues, three out of four of the stall doors simply do not lock, nor will they even stick shut. Effectively, there is one functioning stall. This bathroom is not enjoyable in the slightest, and I try to avoid it at all costs. The one positive is that everyone else is also avoiding it, so when I am forced to use this bathroom, it is often empty.

6. Bathroom Near Mr. Soun’s Room
Vibes: 5/10
Cleanliness: 6/10
Functionality: 2/10
Emptiness: 7/10
Overall Score: 5/10
Review: I find this bathroom very confusing. I enjoy how I can almost always count on it to be empty and for some reason it feels comfortable to me. However, there are some major flaws with this bathroom. First, it is very small and hard to maneuver around. This could never be a bathroom in which you try on borrowed dresses or change into P.E. clothes. Second, one of the sinks will randomly spray you with a big blast of water when turned on which is a very unpleasant experience. Finally, both of the paper towel dispensers do not work so when after visiting this bathroom, your hands are inevitably left sopping wet. While this bathroom inexplicably charms me, it is still flawed.

5. Sophomore Floor Bathroom
Vibes: 8/10
Cleanliness: 4/10
Functionality: 4/10
Emptiness: 4/10
Overall Score: 5/10
Review: This bathroom reminds me of the joys of my sophomore year. The vibes are very pleasant, the energies are nice, and I enjoy my time there. This being said, I must admit there are issues. First of all, there are far too few stalls. A bathroom with two stalls on a floor with four classrooms is simply not enough. In addition to that problem, this bathroom can be frequently found without toilet paper in one or both stalls. Positive vibes, questionable functionality.

4. Buckman Bathroom
Vibes: 3/10
Cleanliness: 8/10
Functionality: 9/10
Emptiness: 9/10
Overall Score: 7/10
Review: The shining quality of this bathroom is its emptiness. It is incredibly empty. From the many times I have visited this bathroom, I have encountered another person in there probably three times. Despite this treasured emptiness, I do not think the vibes are pleasant. The lights are harsh, and I just don’t feel positive energies in there. To put it simply, this bathroom is perfectly mediocre.

3. Library Bathroom
Vibes: 7/10
Cleanliness: 8/10
Functionality: 4/10
Emptiness: 5/10
Overall Score: 6/10
Review: In my own biased opinion, I find this bathroom delightfully charming. It is usually empty (though incredibly busy during ALAPP), clean, and I find the layout aesthetically pleasing. However, it has two major faults. First, none of the sinks work properly, and some do not work at all. There is only one sink that produces enough water to wash hands. Second, after you flush, the drain makes a terrifying gurgling noise that never fails to frighten me. I love the overall vibes so much, but the broken sinks and gurgling noise bring the score down drastically.

2. Bathroom Near Morrow Room
Vibes: 6/10
Cleanliness: 8/10
Functionality: 6/10
Emptiness: 8/10
Overall Score: 7/10
Review: This bathroom is a fan favorite. You can count on it to be empty, very clean, and the general aura is nice. Despite these positives, the issues with it lie within its functionality. The biggest stall does not lock, which leaves only two stalls available for use. In addition to the bathroom’s locking issue, I find the slit between the stall door and the wall far too large in the stall nearest to the door. It feels truly violating. My advice is choose the middle stall and this bathroom will provide you with a very splendid experience.

1. Bathroom Near Art Rooms
Vibes: 8/10
Cleanliness: 8/10
Functionality: 9/10
Emptiness: 4/10
Overall Score: 9/10
Review: This bathroom is simply lovely. It is always clean, the vibes are exquisite, and the lighting is perfect. There is a perfect stall-to-sink ratio, and the layout is quite nice. My only criticism is that this is one of the busier bathrooms since it is the only bathroom near several classrooms and offices. However, it is not like there are always people in there. Despite this slight flaw, I find this bathroom genuinely delightful. I am always overjoyed to visit.

After a difficult battle and hard deliberation, the bathroom near the Art Rooms has been crowned champion of the St. Mary’s bathrooms. The vibes, functionality, emptiness, and cleanliness of this bathroom have combined to create a perfect bathroom experience, and for that, I am grateful.