Where Tatler shares its humor
By Ruby Liles
Watch out, Tofurkey nation. Just when you thought no one could possibly be offended, this shell-shocked vegan has some egg-streme views to egg-spress to those who liked the record holding egg. Written by Ruby Liles, not actually a vegan.
Outraged doesn’t even begin to encapsulate how I feel right now. With 924,000,000 cursory taps on 46.2 million screens, humanity has definitively taken a step in the wrong direction. Rue this day, America. Nay, rue this day, World. For millennia*, posterity will remember ours as the generation who besmirched the app’s name so far beyond reconciliation that recovery seems inconceivable.
Instagram: the word once represented a safe space for us vegans everywhere. My explore page was once dominated by dreadlocks and garbanzo beans, and I liked it as such. I yearn for the feeds of yesteryear filled with acai bowls, captioned with completely unrelated inspirational quotes and punctuated of course by such revered hashtags as #VeganLife, #QuornAgain, and #HailSeitan.
I was simply taking a mindful moment during my Vinyasa class as I usually do when they start doing the aerial poses that I can’t yet seem to find my center on when I decided to thumb through my stories. I was expecting to find meal pics (of course), oil diffuser coupon codes, maybe even five more new ways to incorporate matcha powder into meals, but nothing could have prepared me for what I did see.
Gwyneth, my friend from UC Santa Cruz, had posted it. My flow was completely disrupted, and after I “made a scene” asking for my money back, the instructor informed me that my “1 Free Vinyasa” card was invariably nonrefundable. It had been four whole months and 17 days since I’d last laid eyes on an animal product. A proud vegan, I took this as a direct affront to my community.
When I was informed that this egg — this precious manifestation of the beauty and purity of life — had been taken out of context to be elevated and mocked in this way, like people had done to Kylie Jenner’s stupid baby picture, I was disgusted. I was fine with Kylie’s pic being the most liked; she at least tried this whole vegan thing. @world_record_egg certainly can’t say as much.
The arc of history bends towards justice — this I believe to be true. Karma will come back for everyone who liked that egg, and the vegans will run the Gram once again.
*until some other frivolous image usurps the egg of its Instagram throne. Rough estimate: about 3 months.
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