Where Tatler shares its humor
By Anna Deason
Artwork by Lily Beasley
In the life of a St. Mary’s student, there are several vital questions we all ask ourselves at one point or another: When will my wifi load? What does ALAPP even stand for? Who stole the cookies from the WSR snack line?
But perhaps the most pressing question: Which Hogwarts House does my math teacher belong in? Now, for the first time, we have the answer. In honor of this year’s Spirit Week theme, I sent the teachers of St. Mary’s a link to the official Sorting Hat quiz written by J.K. Rowling herself, and the results are in.
Out of the 16 teachers who responded, the Sorting Hat placed an overwhelming eight of them into the Hufflepuff House. For those who don’t know, Hufflepuff primarily values fairness, hard work, patience, and loyalty. The St. Mary’s Hufflepuff roster includes Dr. Steakley, Mr. Pennington, Mrs. Love, Ms. Hogan, Mrs. Avant, Mrs. Pitts, Ms. Goodman, and, surprisingly, Mrs. Dunlap. When I spoke with Mrs. Dunlap about her House placement, the students in her ALAPP immediately suspected that she was a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin. Mrs. Dunlap even admitted, “Yes, I was surprised, but I can appreciate that that’s where the kind people would be; I definitely hope it fits.”
While almost all of the Hufflepuff teachers stated that they felt the description of a Hufflepuff accurately represented them, there were varying degrees of enthusiasm. Mrs. Love, for example, explained, “This is not my first time taking the test, but I took it again just to be sure. Every time, I get placed into the Hufflepuff House. I take the test every time I'm asked my House placement, because I want my answer to be true and I think it's only fair to be sure. Which, I suppose, is really aligned with the Hufflepuff characteristics.”
However, when I asked Dr. Steakley if she agreed with her results, she replied, “Somewhat, although this statement seemed a little off: ‘A good listener or someone who always has a plate of cookies to cheer others up.’”
Next up, the wise old Ravenclaws. Typical Ravenclaw values include wit, wisdom, creativity, and curiosity, and according to the Sorting Hat, the four teachers who best exhibited these qualities were Mrs. Herr, Mr. Nichols, Mrs. Evans, and Mrs. Akers. It might be a bit cliché that both librarians and Faculty-Student Book Club leaders were placed in Ravenclaw, but I trust the system.
Mr. Nichols even noted, “I've taken a few Sorting Hat-related assessments and am 100% of the time sorted into Ravenclaw. I do value wit and wisdom, so I suppose it's a fitting match.”
The Sorting Hat describes Gryffindors as being “brave of heart,” and they are best known for their courage, passion, chivalry, and selflessness. Though Gryffindors may have the majority of the spotlight in the Harry Potter series, there were only three St. Mary’s teachers sorted into Gryffindor.
Our fearless Gryffindor leaders include Mrs. Thompson, Mr. McCalla, and, of course, Coach Hensarling. It’s hard to imagine a St. Mary’s pep rally without Coach’s enthusiastic cheering or her trademark megaphone, not to mention her endless dedication to and encouragement of her St. Jude and cross country runners. However, though Coach and Mrs. Thompson each agreed that they fit the traits of a Gryffindor, Mr. McCalla said, “I have no idea what you speak of. I just clicked one of them.”
Slytherins are often mislabeled as evil or untrustworthy, but in reality, they are defined much more by their cunning, resourcefulness, ambition, and determination.
We have but one confirmed Slytherin as a member of our St. Mary’s faculty, and I don’t know anyone who better fits the description of a cunning, resourceful leader than our own Doc Millen. His unique brand of cynical humor adds a special flare to St. Mary’s life that we would all be lost without. I’m sure I speak for all my fellow seniors when I say I’m honored to have Doc as the SMS Head of Slytherin House.
Now that we finally have confirmed Hogwarts House placements for several key members of the SMS faculty, hopefully the hardcore Potterheads among us will be satisfied, if only temporarily.
For & By Students
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