SMS presidential race: candidates and their platforms

By Ria Patel

Photos courtesy of the St. Mary's Website

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A couple weeks ago, our beloved Dr. Steakely announced that this would be her last year at St. Mary’s, much to the despair of many SMS students and faculty. Although the St. Mary’s administration will be conducting a national search, I turned to some SMS’s teachers to see how their platforms, personalities and policies might qualify them for the job. 

Ms. Segars

Notable talent: Somehow fits two couches, three stressed AP chemistry students, four sleeping children, five boxes of Cheez-Its and six backpacks into her three by three foot office. 
And you thought it couldn’t be done.

First policy: To let sons of school faculty attend SMS!

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​Ms. Goodman

Notable talent: Is never short of forks. Like never. Ever. Oh, and is beginning to have a mini-Starbucks in her room.

First policy: To ban the use of the word “relatable.”

​Coach

Notable talent: Disappears at least once a period into the secret door that connects to Goodman’s room much to the confusion of many WHAP students. She then proceeds to pop back in out of nowhere.

First policy: Half days on Wednesdays!

​Señora Smalley

Notable talent: Making at least one Orlando Bloom reference per class period.

First policy: No classes on Fridays!

​Dr. Lyon

Notable talent: Consumes at least one knockoff La Croix a day and manages to recycle every last can. 

First policy: Wants to institute a new dress code that includes the wearing of academic gowns by faculty, like his alma mater Sewanee.

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​Dr. McFadden

Notable Talent: Football star and fluent in French. And in five other languages, might I add.

First Policy: Would like to have SMS emulate top universities by issuing all future St. Mary’s diplomas in Latin.

​Ms. Akers

Notable talent: A karaoke queen in hiding. Confused? Ask her daughter Maggie.

First policy: Stop wasting any more time over-praising the Oxford comma. 

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Ms. Seebeck

Notable talent: Sports some of the trendiest outfits on campus: one day she is hipster, the next day a cowgirl.

First policy: Bring my son, Rudy Romano, to work. (For those who are unaware, Rudy is a dog!)

Ms. Love

Notable Talent: Leaves unlimited smarties and scuff marks wherever she goes. Bonus points for trying to incorporate those traits in her Tik Toks!

First policy: To bring Dr. Steakley back!

We need your feedback! Let Tatler know in the comments which St. Mary’s faculty candidate deserves the position.

​We need your feedback! Let Tatler know in the comments which St. Mary’s faculty candidate deserves the position.

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