Where Tatler shares its humor
Allow me to give you a sneak peek of the senior den. It is a masterpiece of interior design; its purple walls and oversized couches are only part of what makes it a haven for stressed-out seniors. One decorative facet of the den trumps all else: the gorgeous celebrities who watch over us like angels sent from Constance herself. Niall Horan stands in one corner and Matt Damon in another. Next to Damon stands Harry Styles in all his fluffy-haired, teenage glory.
When I walked into the senior den on the first day of school and laid eyes on Styles, I was overcome with emotions I had not felt since seventh grade: the heart-wrenching love for the brunette pop god, the uncontained excitement when my favorite song came on (Kiss You, of course) and the burning jealousy towards the lucky few who got to see One Direction in concert.
For the first few weeks of school, Styles and the others brought light and life: much needed during the season of college applications. They smiled at me as I prepared for calculus tests and listened to my college-related complaints. But, like any senior who hangs out in the den too much, the boys started to get a little rambunctious. Perhaps they grew annoyed with the seniors’ constant singing (did you know the musical this year is “The Addams Family”?), or maybe they got frustrated with the stench of Casablanca falafel brought into the den by hungry seniors.
For whatever reason, they went from being angels to antagonists, and they must be stopped.
Just last week I saw Niall stealing scones from Flik. It seems he may be in cahoots with former bandmate Harry, who is rumored to be the cause of some missing cookies. This is a serious honor code offense, and I have the proof. Honor Council President Ginny Bratton (12) condemns their behavior. “We’ve had suspicions that Niall Horan has secretly been the scone-stealer. Obviously this conduct cannot be tolerated,“ said Bratton.
Meanwhile, Matt Damon is violating the dress code egregiously, wearing tank tops nearly every day and refusing to change when asked. I won’t lie, the denim skirt is a good look for him; nevertheless, he needs to face the consequences for his blatant disregard for the rules of St. Mary’s.
One day, I saw Styles struggling with the printer, his fist clenched in frustration as high-pitched beeping ensued and oversized tabloid paper was being spit out uncontrollably. When I offered assistance, Styles refused help and told me, “Real men don’t need help using printers.” The next day, our beloved US Library Copier was jammed beyond repair. Breaking dress code is one thing, but breaking the one printer that has never let me down is unacceptable.
As you may have guessed, wifi issues can be attributed to them as well. I have heard multiple accounts from frustrated students who were failing to access wifi and then suddenly heard a deep, masculine laugh from behind bookshelves. Styles and Horan have clearly been working together to take down the school’s wifi, and I’m not here for it.
While this is all the photographic evidence I have, I have no doubt that they are causing other issues around the school. If you see any of these men scheming around the halls of St. Mary’s please report them immediately to Dr. Steakley or the Honor Council.
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