The Last Gobble Ever
SMS changes mind on new building
In one of many shocking turns of events this week, Mr. Throckmorton has announced that he has “changed my mind” about the new building.
Throckmorton elaborated, “I know students were getting quite excited and all about having a cafeteria, gym, but, honestly, it’s just not really worth it.”
The sudden and almost impulsive change of plan may seem quite peculiar. After all, years and years of planning have gone into making the project possible. But, as Throckmorton explains, “It was quite fun to make the little models and draw out the plans and such, but the actual building part… ehh”
Currently, SMS is proposing to return the area that the gym and cafeteria would have occupied back into a parking lot. When asked about the future cafeteria situation, Throckmorton responded, “the lunch served in the temporary location by the library ended up being perfectly suitable. Students thoroughly enjoy the cold mushroom wraps they are provided at least twice a week. There’s just not any need for this project anymore.”
The current structure will be demolished over the three day Easter weekend. Afterwards, Throckmorton will be taking a month holiday. He asks that we not attempt to contact him during this time.
Throckmorton elaborated, “I know students were getting quite excited and all about having a cafeteria, gym, but, honestly, it’s just not really worth it.”
The sudden and almost impulsive change of plan may seem quite peculiar. After all, years and years of planning have gone into making the project possible. But, as Throckmorton explains, “It was quite fun to make the little models and draw out the plans and such, but the actual building part… ehh”
Currently, SMS is proposing to return the area that the gym and cafeteria would have occupied back into a parking lot. When asked about the future cafeteria situation, Throckmorton responded, “the lunch served in the temporary location by the library ended up being perfectly suitable. Students thoroughly enjoy the cold mushroom wraps they are provided at least twice a week. There’s just not any need for this project anymore.”
The current structure will be demolished over the three day Easter weekend. Afterwards, Throckmorton will be taking a month holiday. He asks that we not attempt to contact him during this time.
Stakem makes sweeping statements about current junior class failing classes
A sweeping statement from Dr. Stakem herself yesterday morning reveals a frightening yet unsurprising fact: the current juniors of St. Mary’s will be staying in the Upper School for one more year. The reason, you ask? A whopping seven out of twenty juniors are failing Mr. Soun’s AP Calculus BC and Precalculus BC classes, a statistic never seen in St. Mary’s history. Mr. Soun claims this is a 50% rate of failure!
“I just don’t know what to do with them. No matter how many packets I give them, nothing works! I’m helpless,” says Soun when asked about the failing juniors in his class.
Dr. Stakem had no choice other than to postpone the class of 2020’s graduation until next year.
“It’s not something I want to do, but it’s a decision that I have to make. It’s my job to do what is best for these girls, and if that means protecting the world from their recklessness, keeping them at St. Mary’s is the right choice.” replies Stakem when approached for a statement about the juniors.
In light of these news, Gabriella Couloubaritsis (11) commented, “Yeah we juniors in our 2020 vision saw this coming all along. At least now we’ll enjoy the new facilities.”
Although math seems to be the biggest problem on Stakem’s hands, the juniors are not performing well in their English or history classes either. Studies show that if left to their own vices, nine more juniors will be failing AP World History by mid-quarter.
So with the juniors repeating 11th grade and the seniors off to college, St. Mary’s is in chaos on how to proceed with two junior classes. Now that we will not have a senior class next year, stay tuned to get updates on new chapel seating arrangements for the upcoming 2019-2020 school year.
“I just don’t know what to do with them. No matter how many packets I give them, nothing works! I’m helpless,” says Soun when asked about the failing juniors in his class.
Dr. Stakem had no choice other than to postpone the class of 2020’s graduation until next year.
“It’s not something I want to do, but it’s a decision that I have to make. It’s my job to do what is best for these girls, and if that means protecting the world from their recklessness, keeping them at St. Mary’s is the right choice.” replies Stakem when approached for a statement about the juniors.
In light of these news, Gabriella Couloubaritsis (11) commented, “Yeah we juniors in our 2020 vision saw this coming all along. At least now we’ll enjoy the new facilities.”
Although math seems to be the biggest problem on Stakem’s hands, the juniors are not performing well in their English or history classes either. Studies show that if left to their own vices, nine more juniors will be failing AP World History by mid-quarter.
So with the juniors repeating 11th grade and the seniors off to college, St. Mary’s is in chaos on how to proceed with two junior classes. Now that we will not have a senior class next year, stay tuned to get updates on new chapel seating arrangements for the upcoming 2019-2020 school year.
Students raise concerns over sun damage risk after building plans reveal new cafeteria will in fact have multiple windows
Mock-up of sunlight potential in new cafeteria.
Earlier this year, St. Mary’s announced plans for a new gym and cafeteria. Along with this came shocking news. The new cafeteria will, in fact, have windows. Not just one or two windows, but many, many windows. In addition, these windows will be positioned so that sunlight will reach the cafeteria. While this novel idea excited many SMS students, some have raised serious concern over the effect that sunlight may have on our community.
First and foremost, many students expressed their anxieties that this new sunlight might bring negative effects to their skin. Some mentioned the risk of sunburn as well as the possibility of premature aging.
Sriya Jampana (9) explained, “I’m very, very scared for all of us. Because we don’t have a lot of windows right now, we don’t get a lot of Vitamin D. Something might go wrong if this suddenly changes. Also, people’s skin might start peeling, and we may have to wear sunglasses inside now. It’ll certainly be a new experience.”
The risk of Vitamin D overdose may be the most shocking hazard. Laura Isaacs (10) has personal experience with this issue, “The other day I heard that this girl at Saint Agnes overdosed on Vitamin D. It’s just so dangerous.” After all, during the school months, many SMS students find that they spend less time in the sunlight than your average vampire. A sudden introduction of UV light into the day-to-day lives of the student body may be quite shocking.
Some students expressed the need for protection from the sun’s rays. Fraser Johnson (10) concluded, “If we are going to have the big windows, sunscreen will have to be required for all teachers, students, and faculty.” Laura Isaacs agreed, “I just think that sunscreen needs to be a requirement for entering the cafeteria because of the high risk on exposure.”
However, as our resident columnist Ria Patel (10) explained, this may have a much larger effect, not only on the St. Mary’s community, but also on the Mid-South economy. When students find that they are experiencing sunburn and skin damage from the large windows, "the aggregate demand for skincare products, especially sunscreen and those that heal skin damaged by UV rays, will increase substantially. This increased demand will inflate sunscreen prices, emptying the pockets of many Americans today, including those in the Memphis area.”
Anjali Shah (10) raised another major concern: the environment. “The amount of natural zinc found on our dear planet earth will be depleted due to this increased demand for sunscreen. ... It’s a very serious issue.”
However, it is the wise words of Riya Vaulaliker (11), that really hits home: “we love a peeling sister.”
First and foremost, many students expressed their anxieties that this new sunlight might bring negative effects to their skin. Some mentioned the risk of sunburn as well as the possibility of premature aging.
Sriya Jampana (9) explained, “I’m very, very scared for all of us. Because we don’t have a lot of windows right now, we don’t get a lot of Vitamin D. Something might go wrong if this suddenly changes. Also, people’s skin might start peeling, and we may have to wear sunglasses inside now. It’ll certainly be a new experience.”
The risk of Vitamin D overdose may be the most shocking hazard. Laura Isaacs (10) has personal experience with this issue, “The other day I heard that this girl at Saint Agnes overdosed on Vitamin D. It’s just so dangerous.” After all, during the school months, many SMS students find that they spend less time in the sunlight than your average vampire. A sudden introduction of UV light into the day-to-day lives of the student body may be quite shocking.
Some students expressed the need for protection from the sun’s rays. Fraser Johnson (10) concluded, “If we are going to have the big windows, sunscreen will have to be required for all teachers, students, and faculty.” Laura Isaacs agreed, “I just think that sunscreen needs to be a requirement for entering the cafeteria because of the high risk on exposure.”
However, as our resident columnist Ria Patel (10) explained, this may have a much larger effect, not only on the St. Mary’s community, but also on the Mid-South economy. When students find that they are experiencing sunburn and skin damage from the large windows, "the aggregate demand for skincare products, especially sunscreen and those that heal skin damaged by UV rays, will increase substantially. This increased demand will inflate sunscreen prices, emptying the pockets of many Americans today, including those in the Memphis area.”
Anjali Shah (10) raised another major concern: the environment. “The amount of natural zinc found on our dear planet earth will be depleted due to this increased demand for sunscreen. ... It’s a very serious issue.”
However, it is the wise words of Riya Vaulaliker (11), that really hits home: “we love a peeling sister.”
Goodman and Akers decided Tatler just isn't for them: Soun approached for new sponsor
“It’s my pride and joy . . . and least it used to be,” responds Tatler sponsor Ms. Akers when approached about her love for Tatler.
“It’s just too hard. All I want is the left side of my whiteboard, my E-day ALAPPs, and my weekends back!” Ms. Goodman exclaims through frantic tears. “Those were the longest four years of my life.”
Ms. Goodman and Ms. Akers released a sweeping statement finalizing their resignation from Tatler just last night. Leaving the publication after years of hard work, the two will be taking a month sabbatical to enjoy their newfound freedom in the Maldives.
Completing their community service hours are just three things on their long agenda of things to do on vacation. Upon learning of Ms. Goodman’s future absence, Albert, “learning companion,” has decided to close down for lack of business.
“It’s just too hard. All I want is the left side of my whiteboard, my E-day ALAPPs, and my weekends back!” Ms. Goodman exclaims through frantic tears. “Those were the longest four years of my life.”
Ms. Goodman and Ms. Akers released a sweeping statement finalizing their resignation from Tatler just last night. Leaving the publication after years of hard work, the two will be taking a month sabbatical to enjoy their newfound freedom in the Maldives.
Completing their community service hours are just three things on their long agenda of things to do on vacation. Upon learning of Ms. Goodman’s future absence, Albert, “learning companion,” has decided to close down for lack of business.
Source reveals mock trial never actually went to state, instead, just partied in Nashville
A source within the SMS Mock Trial team has revealed that the team has never actually competed in the state competition. Rather, they use the weekend to party it up in Nashville.
The source, (who asked that her name not revealed and thus will be referred to as Josiah for the purposes of this article), has been a member of the mock trial team for several years now. As Josiah told Tatler, “I think it’s time to come clean about the whole thing. I just can’t keep lying to my fellow students anymore.”
Josiah further explained, the St. Mary’s Mock Trial team has never really competed in the state mock trial competition. “I tried to tell them [the mock trial team], that I wanted to go, I wanted to compete, but they just told me ‘Josiah, if you don’t want to go eat at Cheesecake Factory with us, you don’t have to come.’ I just felt so pressured.”
Of course, it is well known that the members of the SMS mock trial community are a close-knit group and border on obsessive. Some have even likened them to a cult. In fact, Josiah reveals that they often refer to themselves as mockstars or even trialerz, a testament to their likely disconnect from reality. However, it was never expected that they would take their aggressive team building this far.
When asked for her thoughts, Mrs. Dunlap stated that she is “disappointed, but not surprised” by the shocking news.
The Tennessee Bar Association (TBA) declined Tatler’s request for comment.
The source, (who asked that her name not revealed and thus will be referred to as Josiah for the purposes of this article), has been a member of the mock trial team for several years now. As Josiah told Tatler, “I think it’s time to come clean about the whole thing. I just can’t keep lying to my fellow students anymore.”
Josiah further explained, the St. Mary’s Mock Trial team has never really competed in the state mock trial competition. “I tried to tell them [the mock trial team], that I wanted to go, I wanted to compete, but they just told me ‘Josiah, if you don’t want to go eat at Cheesecake Factory with us, you don’t have to come.’ I just felt so pressured.”
Of course, it is well known that the members of the SMS mock trial community are a close-knit group and border on obsessive. Some have even likened them to a cult. In fact, Josiah reveals that they often refer to themselves as mockstars or even trialerz, a testament to their likely disconnect from reality. However, it was never expected that they would take their aggressive team building this far.
When asked for her thoughts, Mrs. Dunlap stated that she is “disappointed, but not surprised” by the shocking news.
The Tennessee Bar Association (TBA) declined Tatler’s request for comment.
Soun announces early retirement: “Just can’t handle it anymore”
"I am also done with the constant presence of Joshua Mangosteen the dinosaur and Josiah in my classroom! I just can’t handle it anymore!”
Our time with the beloved Mr. Soun has come to an abrupt end as he announced his plan for retirement beginning this upcoming 2019-2020 school year. Although many knew that he was bound to snap soon, no St. Mary’s student could have predicted this unlikely turn of events.
Many are aware of Mr. Soun’s dry humor, as well as his leniency in due dates and deadlines. However, many do not know of his deep-seeded disappointment in St. Mary’s girls ever since he began work here years ago.
"Growing up at MUS, I learned very early in life that St. Mary’s girls are intelligent, opinionated, and assertive. However, I never knew how little they were actually capable of until I began work at this school. ... I was very disappointed” Soun said in a classified interview upon his announcement of retirement.
However, his biggest complaint comes from St. Mary’s students’ constant use of phones and other distractions in class. “I just cannot be in another girl’s Snapchat one more time. I am also done with the constant presence of Joshua Mangosteen the dinosaur and Josiah in my classroom! I just can’t handle it anymore!” cried the Princeton graduate.
Students are at odds on how to proceed with their math teacher’s sudden resignation. Precalculus BC students are currently concerned over the possibility of having a new math teacher that does not give unlimited retakes on the infamous Taylor Series test.
However, the end of Mr. Soun’s teaching job does not signify the end of his professional career entirely. Rumors suggest that Soun might move to Florida to join the NBA as the Miami Heat’s point guard. On several occasions, he has said that basketball was always “his true passion in life.”
Stay tuned for updates on St. Mary’s students favorite topic of conversation: Mr. Soun’s personal life and future plans.
Many are aware of Mr. Soun’s dry humor, as well as his leniency in due dates and deadlines. However, many do not know of his deep-seeded disappointment in St. Mary’s girls ever since he began work here years ago.
"Growing up at MUS, I learned very early in life that St. Mary’s girls are intelligent, opinionated, and assertive. However, I never knew how little they were actually capable of until I began work at this school. ... I was very disappointed” Soun said in a classified interview upon his announcement of retirement.
However, his biggest complaint comes from St. Mary’s students’ constant use of phones and other distractions in class. “I just cannot be in another girl’s Snapchat one more time. I am also done with the constant presence of Joshua Mangosteen the dinosaur and Josiah in my classroom! I just can’t handle it anymore!” cried the Princeton graduate.
Students are at odds on how to proceed with their math teacher’s sudden resignation. Precalculus BC students are currently concerned over the possibility of having a new math teacher that does not give unlimited retakes on the infamous Taylor Series test.
However, the end of Mr. Soun’s teaching job does not signify the end of his professional career entirely. Rumors suggest that Soun might move to Florida to join the NBA as the Miami Heat’s point guard. On several occasions, he has said that basketball was always “his true passion in life.”
Stay tuned for updates on St. Mary’s students favorite topic of conversation: Mr. Soun’s personal life and future plans.
Amidst constant “KIKI, DO YOU LOVE ME?” references, senior Kiki Whartenby makes dramatic decision that leaves students appalled
Arguably considered the year’s biggest bop, “Kiki, Do You Love Me” has found itself in the ears and hearts of all St. Mary’s girls this past fall and into 2019. With its famous new dance moves sweeping screens across the internet, one girl stands alone, disappointed, searching for a way to escape both the world and Drake’s catchy lyrics.
Kiki Whartenby, Tatler’s very own editor-in-chief, is fed up with this hit tune. Her name, even her very identity, has been stripped from her by the popular artist.
As many of you may know, Kiki recently revealed in her well-written senior speech that her real name was Caroline Whartenby. However, she felt she identified more with the nickname of Kiki, a playful, original, and fitting twist on her original name.
However, along with Drake’s hit pop song of the year came constant “Kiki, Do You Love Me” song lyrics accompanying her name. Seldom can Kiki even answer to her name without a fellow classmate, or at times, a wild Ms. Goodman, busting out the lyrics to the song. So, as a defining moment in both her professional career and personal life, Kiki Whartenby has decided to return to her original, birth-given name, Caroline Whartenby.
“I just couldn’t handle it. I was going out of my mind.” explains Whartenby when asked what initiated this abrupt change. “I never thought I would do it, but I know that when even teachers being singing my name, it is time for a change.”
Kiki, excuse me, Caroline, will be taking new name offers as the lyrics to “Sweet Caroline” are becoming more popular and can be heard several times a day in the SMS halls. You can drop new name suggestions in the envelope outside her locker or to the front office.
Kiki Whartenby, Tatler’s very own editor-in-chief, is fed up with this hit tune. Her name, even her very identity, has been stripped from her by the popular artist.
As many of you may know, Kiki recently revealed in her well-written senior speech that her real name was Caroline Whartenby. However, she felt she identified more with the nickname of Kiki, a playful, original, and fitting twist on her original name.
However, along with Drake’s hit pop song of the year came constant “Kiki, Do You Love Me” song lyrics accompanying her name. Seldom can Kiki even answer to her name without a fellow classmate, or at times, a wild Ms. Goodman, busting out the lyrics to the song. So, as a defining moment in both her professional career and personal life, Kiki Whartenby has decided to return to her original, birth-given name, Caroline Whartenby.
“I just couldn’t handle it. I was going out of my mind.” explains Whartenby when asked what initiated this abrupt change. “I never thought I would do it, but I know that when even teachers being singing my name, it is time for a change.”
Kiki, excuse me, Caroline, will be taking new name offers as the lyrics to “Sweet Caroline” are becoming more popular and can be heard several times a day in the SMS halls. You can drop new name suggestions in the envelope outside her locker or to the front office.
Parody of the Ig Nobel Prizes, a parody of the Nobel Prizes
from the Ig® Nobel Prizes’ website
Somehow a few months ago I discovered The Ig® Nobel Prizes, an “ignoble” spoof on the actual Nobel prizes. I instantly loved the organization for awarding achievements that first “make people laugh, and then think”— and for finding real Nobel Laureates to present the awards. Even though it initially took a while for the honorees to attend the ceremonies, nowadays no one can deny the humor of the Igs: world leaders, whole nations, and little-known authors and scientists are all included in the annual selection.
Wanna know what kind of achievements are highlighted? Here are some of my favorites:
(2017) Economics: Matthew Rockloff and Nancy Greer, for their experiments to see how contact with a live crocodile affects a person's willingness to gamble.
(2015) Diagnostic Medicine: Diallah Karim, Anthony Harnden, Nigel D'Souza, Andrew Huang, Abdel Kader Allouni, Helen Ashdown, Richard J. Stevens, and Simon Kreckler, for determining that acute appendicitis can be accurately diagnosed by the amount of pain evident when the patient is driven over speed bumps.
(2012) Literature: The US Government General Accountability Office, for issuing a report about reports about reports that recommends the preparation of a report about the report about reports about reports.
(1996) Physics: Robert Matthews of Aston University, England, for his studies of Murphy’s Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast often falls on the buttered side.
(1994) Economics: Juan Pablo Dávila, tireless trader of financial futures and former employee of the state-owned company, for instructing his computer to “buy” when he meant “sell.” He subsequently attempted to recoup his losses by making increasingly unprofitable trades that ultimately lost 0.5 percent of Chile's gross national product. Davila's relentless achievement inspired his countrymen to coin a new verb, “dalivar,” meaning “to botch things up royally.”
Now for the 2018-2019 presentation of our very own St. Mary’s honorees:
Peace: Ms. Yarbro, fashion-savvy Assistant Director of Admission, for providing a limitless supply of candy and being conveniently absent during the 5-minute class changes.
Entertainment: the St. Mary’s printers, for keeping students and faculty alike on their toes.
Economics: Claire Lee, an icon of the junior class, for her duct-taped, hole-y Doc Martens. While these shoes share the brunt of many good-hearted jokes, her upcoming 5-year anniversary is no laughing matter in this age of instant gratification. Rock on, CBL.
Art: Mr. McCalla, our in-house financial guru, for his inspirational Taylor Swift posters, motivational quotes, et al. He brings the artistic genius into Algebra II because, as we know, math is the only art form.
Security: the Junior Parking Lot Security Team, a genuinely kind and friendly group of people, who take our protection so seriously they stand in the way of our entering and exiting the lot’s driveway.
Athletics: our loving College Counselors and all Gen Z high school students, for participating in the marathon that is the 21st century college process.
Music: the mindfulness moments in Chapel. No joke here; it’s a true blessing.
I encourage all of us to appreciate the humor in everything … have a GREAT exam season!
Wanna know what kind of achievements are highlighted? Here are some of my favorites:
(2017) Economics: Matthew Rockloff and Nancy Greer, for their experiments to see how contact with a live crocodile affects a person's willingness to gamble.
(2015) Diagnostic Medicine: Diallah Karim, Anthony Harnden, Nigel D'Souza, Andrew Huang, Abdel Kader Allouni, Helen Ashdown, Richard J. Stevens, and Simon Kreckler, for determining that acute appendicitis can be accurately diagnosed by the amount of pain evident when the patient is driven over speed bumps.
(2012) Literature: The US Government General Accountability Office, for issuing a report about reports about reports that recommends the preparation of a report about the report about reports about reports.
(1996) Physics: Robert Matthews of Aston University, England, for his studies of Murphy’s Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast often falls on the buttered side.
(1994) Economics: Juan Pablo Dávila, tireless trader of financial futures and former employee of the state-owned company, for instructing his computer to “buy” when he meant “sell.” He subsequently attempted to recoup his losses by making increasingly unprofitable trades that ultimately lost 0.5 percent of Chile's gross national product. Davila's relentless achievement inspired his countrymen to coin a new verb, “dalivar,” meaning “to botch things up royally.”
Now for the 2018-2019 presentation of our very own St. Mary’s honorees:
Peace: Ms. Yarbro, fashion-savvy Assistant Director of Admission, for providing a limitless supply of candy and being conveniently absent during the 5-minute class changes.
Entertainment: the St. Mary’s printers, for keeping students and faculty alike on their toes.
Economics: Claire Lee, an icon of the junior class, for her duct-taped, hole-y Doc Martens. While these shoes share the brunt of many good-hearted jokes, her upcoming 5-year anniversary is no laughing matter in this age of instant gratification. Rock on, CBL.
Art: Mr. McCalla, our in-house financial guru, for his inspirational Taylor Swift posters, motivational quotes, et al. He brings the artistic genius into Algebra II because, as we know, math is the only art form.
Security: the Junior Parking Lot Security Team, a genuinely kind and friendly group of people, who take our protection so seriously they stand in the way of our entering and exiting the lot’s driveway.
Athletics: our loving College Counselors and all Gen Z high school students, for participating in the marathon that is the 21st century college process.
Music: the mindfulness moments in Chapel. No joke here; it’s a true blessing.
I encourage all of us to appreciate the humor in everything … have a GREAT exam season!